A Girl Named Gertie

4/3/07
Went to the auction yesterday of my home to be.

It was a nice house... it was my home to be.. you know how you can feel when its right. The house was not perfect - the lounge room too small, the whole house needed restumping, it was too low to the ground but it was in a funky area. It was not a perfect house but I am not a perfect owner. I would not suit a picture perfect house.

But for each dollar that we bid, someone bid a dollar more and when the auctioneer said " going going gone" it was not to me.

And so we begin our search again.

23/8/04

What if I woke up and everything was different?
What if I woke up and everything wasn't?

The fear of everything changing. The greater fear that nothing ever will. I don't want to be in the same place in five years time.
Move onward,move upward, move somewhere else.

You concern me with your comfort for that status quo.

News News .. someone has news.
My baby sister is sick in the morning.
A new family member on the way?

Its making me think of new starts - feeling like I want to tidy up my life. I want to declutter- my weight, my home, my files, my head.

Letting go of the past, the matertial unnecessary. Lets get practical and quality. Also declutter to make time for me. Not sure how any of this will be put in place.

News News .. someone has news.
My baby sister is sick in the morning.
A new family member on the way?

Its making me think of new starts - feeling like I want to tidy up my life. I want to declutter- my weight, my home, my files, my head.

Letting go of the past, the matertial unnecessary. Lets get practical and quality. Also declutter to make time for me. Not sure how any of this will be put in place.

News News .. someone has news.
My baby sister is sick in the morning.
A new family member on the way?

Its making me think of new starts - feeling like I want to tidy up my life. I want to declutter- my weight, my home, my files, my head.

Letting go of the past, the matertial unnecessary. Lets get practical and quality. Also declutter to make time for me. Not sure how any of this will be put in place.

15/5/04

Fat Fat so very Fat. Really need to sort by self out. This "I was pregnant" excuse is running thin. After we go home must gain some disipline. Be nice to be back to normal by summer.

Ah if only the action were as easy to do as the word were to write.

I must ... I must ... but I don't I don't.

8/5/04

Across many seas we speed down the motorway at 70 miles per hour and cars go speeding by us. The undulating fields are so green the look unnatural. Remember the green of our fields is green-brown or green-yellow, its never this amazing crayola crayon English green. The green of grass that has many long, deep rains.

I am coping better than last time. The time goes by less painfully.

Is it the weather or that time has indeed gone by and that past is further behind and maybe less painful.

Could it be that the hurt can remain in the past?

6/5/04
I read an article on being less selfish witn my time. Well it wasn't about it but the author talked about how having children made her less selfish with her time. Decide to fight my first thought on the article"Well goody goody for you love"

I think I am less selfish than I use to be but still I have a long way to go. Aim of the week to think about the selfishness of my time.

Its so hard though. I think when you have children later (ie not in your 20's) you have lived a life as an adult where you do what you want. You carve out a little nooke in your world of this you like to do, things that suit you, energise you, relax you, fulfil you and then you have to suddenly devote you time to things outside of those activities.

Its just difficult to change the way you live. Actually the difficult part of changing the way you FEEL about the way you live.

FEB 2004

So I worked that if you don't desire something it is a whole lot easier to give it up. So I am spending a whole lot of my energy trying to remove my desire for things.

If I don't desire sleep then perhaps getting up will be easier. If I don't desire time to myself then perhaps not having any will not be such a awful blow. If I don't desire for tomorrow to be any thing different than today then perhap this disatification with my current life will melt away.

Giving up the desire for something is a lot easier to say than to do. But I am working on it.

7/1/04 to 8/1/04

Pain like I have never know. Pain so extreme I can not put it into words. Physical pain so severe that I did not think I had the strength to get through it.

But I did get through it and as time tick by my memory of how that pain felt fades. I remember the 'fact' of it being terrible but not the 'feeling' of what it was like.

Time fades the memory.